Remembering Today

Today, We Remember

Remembering and Feasting

Sunday was National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It is a good thing, to remember and reflect. Look back, look forward. A sweet friend reminded me of this song (We Will Feast, Sandra McCracken). The Gent and I listened to it while we held David that night in the hospital. From the garden to the grave . . . until we will feast and weep no more.

We will feast in the house of Zion
We will sing with our hearts restored
He has done great things, we will say together
We will feast and weep no more

We will not be burned by the fire
He is the LORD our God
We are not consumed, by the flood
Upheld, protected, gathered up

In the dark of night, before the dawn
My soul, be not afraid
For the promised morning, oh how long?
Oh God of Jacob, be my strength

Every vow we’ve broken and betrayed
You are the Faithful one
And from the garden to the grave
Bind us together, bring shalom.


Noel. Zion. David. You are remembered, you are loved.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I really wish we didn't have to have this day, but I am thankful that our generation is choosing to honor those tiny lives and remember along with their families. Oh, how I long for the day when all our tears will be wiped away by our Savior and this broken world be healed and restored!

While we wait for that glorious restoration, I did want to point others to this informative link:
Your Rights During a Miscarriage

Remembrance Day

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I know many, many mamas (and daddies and families) have walked this road as we have. I read this article several months ago and thought I would share it here today: My Baby's Heart Stopped Beating Thanking God for all six of my babies today and trusting that He is continuing to bring about His good purpose.

October 15

It's miscarriage and infant loss remembrance day. I don't need a special day to remember my babies...I think about them often and their due dates and miscarriage dates are fixed in my mental calendar. As each year passes I realize how little I understand about the circumstances of their lives, but I trust God more. If not even a sparrow falls to the ground without His notice, how much more precious the lives of our children. And this year, my Papaw is in heaven with Noel and Zion. He loved his great-grandbabies on earth. Now he's the first one to meet my two little ones in heaven.

Zion and Resurrection Sunday

What a beautiful Easter we enjoyed this year! The weather was perfect. We went to church with Honey, Poppa, Uncle Tyler, and Aunt Kayla. Then we had a scrumptious lunch on the porch and soaked up the sunshine and spring flowers. Here are a few photos for your enjoyment...


(couldn't show you JJ's face, so this sticker will have to do!)





Each year I enjoy celebrating Easter more and more--this extended pause in the calendar as we observe the Lenten season. Even when all hope seems lost, to remember that Resurrection Sunday is coming. This year held special significance as Easter fell on the same day as Zion's heavenly anniversary. To sing hymns of Christ's victory over death and His promise of eternal life is a joyous way to remember.

Lives again our glorious King, Alleluia!
Where, O Death, is now thy sting? Alleluia!
Dying once He all doth save, Alleluia!
Where thy victory, O Grave? Alleluia!

When it seems like you're stuck in Friday, remember that Sunday is coming.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

That's what today is. October 15. I haven't written a lot about miscarriage lately, but it will always be part of my life story. I have two little babies in heaven, babies I never got to hold. Though the pain lessens somewhat as time passes, the remembrance does not fade. I think of Noel and Zion often, and on four dates in particular: my due dates and my miscarriage dates. I don't understand why my babies had to die, but I still know that no matter what, God is good and He is faithful. If you or someone you know has lost a baby, remind them that all life is precious in God's sight, and that He is working His plans for our good through our grief. Our world is broken by sin and death, but one day all will be made right. Revelation 21:4 promises, "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." Thank you, Lord, for the gift of all my babies, living on earth and in heaven with you. Help me to be a Mama who glorifies You in all things. Amen.

Belated Mother's Day/The Bikini Crash Diet (or, how I learned to love the stomach bug)

We had all kinds of fun plans for last weekend. We were going to see old friends, have dinner with new friends, and go see my brother and work on one of his house projects. Ahh, the best laid plans. I was so looking forward to them. Till the Gent came home from work with a delightful stomach ailment. Bye, bye, visits with old friends. The next day I woke up with it. Bye, bye, dinner with new friends. Saturday I was still running a fever. Bye, bye, trip to see brother. Sunday I was still feeling a bit puny and Annie has had a nasty cough, so we stayed home from church and spent Mother's Day watching lots of baseball and reading and being lazy. It was a nice weekend, once our unwelcome bug left. And thankfully Annie didn't get it. We do have a beach trip coming up (!), so I'm just going to count last weekend as my getting into bikini-shape routine.

they brought me flowers for Mother's Day


so pretty and happy!


love being her Mama, what a gift


my sweet baby girl


warms my heart . . . baby kisses


she loves her Daddy, too (she's also fascinated with sticking out her tongue right now, can you tell?)


and other things that warm my heart . . . my necklace is back. the sweet folks at Lisa Leonard Designs added Zion's name to my necklace. and now it is back, close to my heart, where it belongs. so blessed by all my babies this Mother's Day.

Zion Chandler and Natural Miscarriage

We decided on a name for Munchkin: Zion Chandler. Zion is from the Bible and means "heaven." Chandler is a family name. Every couple has to make their own decisions, but I like having names for all my babies--no matter how long they live all our babies are part of our family. A name is something solid to remember, and to reference. So much more personal than "my third pregnancy" or "it."

A few words about natural miscarriage for those who want to know (if not just stop reading now.) We found out at seven weeks that Zion was not growing; this was confirmed with another ultrasound at eight weeks. My doctor offered us options of surgery (D&C), pills, or waiting it out. I didn't even have to think about it, I knew I would prefer a natural miscarriage. Again, this is something that is different for every woman, but these were my reasons. 1) lower chance of complications (surgery and the pills are generally safe, but in the rare event that things go wrong, they can go really, really wrong, resulting in problems with later pregnancies or even loss of fertility. not to say things can't go wrong naturally, but it typically happens more slowly and there is time for medical intervention if necessary) 2) eliminates any doubt about whether or not the pregnancy was viable and you opted for surgery or pills when the baby would have been okay (again, rare but it does happen and I couldn't live with the what-ifs) 3) waiting it out gave me time to emotionally accept Zion's loss and prepare for it before the physical loss occurred. When I opted to wait I knew I could be in for a wait of several weeks, though miscarriages generally occur by week twelve. I thought at first it would be hard to wait but it really wasn't. At ten weeks I started spotting and miscarried a couple of days later (April 20). I had some cramping and heavy bleeding for about an hour and that was it. It really wasn't bad at all. I've definitely had worse menstrual cramping and compared to natural childbirth it was nothing. I'm still spotting a little and that should taper off in a few days.

About trying again . . . my doctor said whenever we are ready, no medical reason to wait the 1-3 months that used to be the standard recommendation. We aren't at any higher risk in future pregnancies (three miscarriages in a row is when doctors start to get concerned). The statistics keep changing, but the latest study I saw suggested miscarriage rates as high as 40% of all pregnancies (lots of those occur really early, before you even know you're pregnant), and most miscarriages are because of severe genetic defects. Both of our miscarriages are assumed to be in that category, especially since I've carried one pregnancy to term.

Anything I forgot to answer? I tried to be honest but not overwhelm with detail. :)

What I Know

On Easter Sunday we sang Aaron Shust's "My Savior Lives." Part of the lyrics go like this:

I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed, what God has planned
I only know at His right hand
Stands one who is my Savior

My Savior loves, My Savior lives
My Savior's always there for me
My God He was, my God He is
My God He's always gonna be

Those words spoke to my heart. It is easy to question God, to be angry, to just want to understand. Why didn't my prayers get answered the way I wanted? Why do I have to go through the loss of a baby again? I could go on and on with the questions, but I wouldn't get anywhere. The prophet Isaiah reminds us that God's ways are not our ways. And His way is better, despite what I can see at the time. I am not skilled to understand the mysteries of God, but I do know that at His right hand is our Savior. Our Savior who loves so greatly that He laid down His life for us, our Savior who never leaves us or forsakes us. So I'm focusing on what I know. God is good. All the time.

Not Much to Say

We did not see any change on today's ultrasound. I have decided to wait and let my body work naturally instead of medical intervention. It is hard to wait (doctor said it could be several weeks) but I know that is the best course of action for me. We are sad. At the same time, we've been down this loss road before, and we know eventually you get through to the other side. We are thankful for the life God gave us; we know all life is sacred in His sight. Please continue to pray for us, specifically for the miscarriage to go smoothly and not require medical intervention, for healing for our hearts, and for us to be reminded over and over again that God is faithful.

Beautiful Things: A Heavenly Anniversary

Two years ago today our first baby went to heaven. I spent a good portion of this week in quiet reflection as I anticipated the anniversary of this day. Beautiful Things, by Gungor, and the words of Psalm 62 have been playing over and over in my head.

All this pain
I wonder if I'll ever find my way?
I wonder if my life could really change at all?

All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found?
Could a garden come out from this ground at all?

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

Indeed, God makes beautiful things out of our brokenness. He alone can turn our pain into hope, hope springing up all around us. Isn't that an amazing thing about the Lord? He refuses to leave us where we are. Instead, He is always prodding us to grow, to move forward, to transform the ugly into the beautiful.

Now, did that first pregnancy turn out the way I planned, the way I wanted it to? I think the answer to that is pretty obvious. I was devastated by Noel's loss. I grieved. Hard. There's still a lot of sadness. I don't want to re-live those days.

But the Lord calls us to give thanks in all circumstances. And maybe I couldn't do that two years ago, but I can today. I am thankful for Noel's life. I am thankful that I carried that little one inside my body. I am thankful for my baby blessing.

I am thankful for the lessons I learned through that journey. I know now, beyond a shadow of a doubt, beyond emanations from penumbras, beyond anything--that God is love and that God is faithful.

Psalm 62:5-8
5 Yes, my soul, find rest in God;
my hope comes from Him.
6 Truly He is my rock and my salvation;
He is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
7 My salvation and my honor depend on God;
He is my mighty rock, my refuge.
8 Trust in Him at all times, you people;
pour out your hearts to Him,
for God is our refuge.

Amen, Lord Jesus. Come quickly.

We Remember

September 11 is a day of public and private remembrance for us.

We join with our country in remembering those who died on September 11, 2001. We remember the ordinary people who became heroes. We remember their families. We honor their memory by pausing for a day to remember.

In church yesterday, the pastor reminded us of how many places in Scripture God calls us to remember. Remember, lest we forget. Remember His deliverance, remember His wonders, remember His mercy, remember His sacrifice.

The pastor also talked about hope. We tend to treat hope as a verb, "I hope we win" or "I hope it works out." In the Bible, hope is a noun. Hope is a sure thing. He read these verses from Lamentations 3 that I have meditated on over and over again:

"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness."

Hope is a certainty with our Lord. Christ has died, Christ is risen, Christ will come again. And when He comes, every tear will be wiped away. There will be no more death or suffering. In Him, all will be made new and all will be made right. In the end, justice does triumph over evil. Judgment will come. Heaven is real. But so is hell.

September 11 is also a day for the Gent and I to remember Noel's life, on what would have been our baby's birthday. We thank the Lord for our first baby and the gift of life. We praise Him for His faithfulness to us. We thank Him for His steadfastness and His mercy. We don't dwell on what might have been, but simply thank the Lord for what is. Even when we don't understand, God is good, and His love endures forever.

Siblings

Most days I wear this necklace (Lisa Leonard Designs - love her jewelry!). On one side it says "Faithful" and on the other side it says "Noel Christian." I wear it close to my heart, as a gentle reminder of Noel's life and of the Lord's faithfulness in all circumstances.

Annie loves to wrap her little fingers around it as she nurses.

Oh, my heart.

I wonder what sort of relationship these two will have? I don't plan to keep Noel a "secret" from Annie, but I don't want her to dwell too much on it, either. Perhaps Noel will be the way to introduce Annie to the idea of heaven, the concept of death and life eternal with our Savior.

Noel will always be my first, though not my firstborn. Such a strange dichotomy. Noel was my first baby, the baby who made me a mom in my heart. And Annie my precious daughter, who made me a mom here on earth. Noel taught me faith, and Annie hope.

He makes all things new.

A Heavenly Anniversary

One year ago today, I was miscarrying our first baby. One year ago today, Noel Christian went to be with Jesus. One year ago today, we woke up knowing our lives would never be the same.

Psalm 34:18
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

I remember every detail about that day. I remember barely sleeping the night before, knowing what was happening in my body and that I couldn't fight it or change it. I remember waking up for good about 4am, and lying in bed crying for what I now knew would never be. I remember finally getting up at 6, answering some dog rescue emails and sending an email to my friend at work to ask her to tell the boss I was ill. I remember sobbing in the shower while the Gent sat on the other side of the curtain. I remember calling the nurse and scheduling an appointment. I remember how kind she was. I remember the dress I wore to the doctor's office. I remember the ultrasound and the doctor's gentle counsel. I remember how angry I was with the other young couple in the office, who were there for their first ultrasound, ooing and ahhing over their baby's pictures. I remember getting home by 11 and realizing it was all over and wondering what I would ever do to get through the day. I remember the Gent calling our parents to tell them the news. I couldn't do it. I remember emailing our Sunday School class and how supportive they all were. I remember spending most of the day on the couch, watching mindless television and just wanting the day to be over. Which, eventually, it was.

I remember going back to work the next day, needing to get back into routine as soon as possible. I remember going out for dinner with the Gent, and drinking a glass of wine. I remember going to the art museum with friends that night, needing to be out of the house, with people who didn't know what was happening. I remember all of it.

I remember wondering when the grief would ever end (it doesn't, it just gets more bearable). I remember all the questions I asked God. I remember the constant reminders of His faithfulness. I remember learning to trust Him all over again.

Job 1:21b
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised.

What a year it has been.

Looking back, I still don't understand it. If I could change the outcome, would I? I'd have a five month old infant now. I wouldn't have this little girl who's growing in my tummy now. I would have been spared grief and anguish, at least for a while. I wouldn't have experienced the enduring faithfulness of God in a whole new way.

All I can do is thank the Lord for Noel's life. I rest in knowing our little one is safe in God's arms, that our baby will never know pain or grief, but only our heavenly Father's love.

Lamentations 3:19-26
I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.
I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me.
Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:

Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
for His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is Your faithfulness.
I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for Him.”

The LORD is good to those whose hope is in Him,
to the one who seeks Him;
it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.

P.S. I'm still not at any good at talking about all this. I cry every time. I am thankful for the written word, that allows me to express what I want without falling apart.

P.P.S. After writing this blog I started catching up on my blog reader. Jeannett miscarried her baby yesterday. Please lift her up before the Father today. http://liferearranged.com/2011/01/zero/

A Day of Remembrance

Saturday would have been Noel's due date. I didn't want to be at home, so the Gent and I went to my "happy place."



I love the beach. It is my peaceful place, a place where I remember that God is vast and yet personal, and where I can be close to Him and just rest in His presence.

Thankfully, it wasn't a sad day at all, but a day to reflect on God's goodness in blessing us with Noel's short life, and with this new baby, too. I just kept remembering these words from a dear friend. "love you sweet friend...enjoy your time at the beach and rest knowing that our God is Faithful in every circumstance! You are His precious child; and so is Noel, who is safe and whole in our Father's arms tomorrow, and every day."

There are still difficult days and I know the pain will always be there. Yet I know that God is indeed faithful, at all times and in all circumstances.



Now for a couple more photos.

This is on the pavilion looking out over the beach, before we headed out to dinner.


And, yes, I totally wore my bikini. Who knows when I'll get to again?

The Secret Hurts We Carry

The past six months have been hard. Losing our tiny Noel Christian was hard. Really hard. Though we are so excited about our new baby, this little one will never replace the child we won't hold until heaven.

The past six months have been a growing time. I have become a more patient person. I have learned to worry less. I have learned to be more open with my emotions. I have learned to be more compassionate to others.

We all have secret hurts we carry. I find myself looking at friends I think I know, family I love, strangers in the grocery store, and wondering . . . what secret hurts do they carry? Broken marriages, rebellious children, babies they never had a chance to know? There are many, many kinds of hurts, I know. Some big, some small - all painful. Some we want to talk about and some that are never, ever mentioned. As I look at the people around me, I pray for them and their pain. I pray that if they don't know the peace of God, they will come to know Him.

I long for heaven and have a sense of urgency for dear ones who don't know the Lord. Death is a certain thing. When the time comes to die, there's nothing we can do to stop it. Death is the inevitable end of our earthly selves. But it is not the end of the story. "If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are to be pitied more than all men" (1 Corinthians 15:19). But it is not only for this life we have hope in Christ. Because of the salvation He offers to us, we have eternal life in Him. "The saying that is written will come true: 'Death has been swallowed up in victory.' 'Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?'" (1 Corinthians 15: 54a-55).

More than anything, I rest securely in knowing that God is God, and I am not. He has a plan for my future.

God sent His Son - they called Him Jesus,
He came to love, heal and forgive;
He lived and died to buy my pardon,
An empty grave is there to prove my Savior lives.

Because He lives I can face tomorrow,
Because He lives all fear is gone;
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living just because He lives.

And then one day I'll cross the river,
I'll fight life's final war with pain;
And then, as death gives way to victory,
I'll see the lights of glory - and I'll know He lives.

Because He lives I can face tomorrow,
Because He lives all fear is gone;
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living just because He lives.

And life is worth the living
Just because He lives.

(lyrics by Bill and Gloria Gaither)

If you're wondering how I've made it through the past six months, God is the answer. He is the only one Who heals the secret hurts. He binds up the brokenhearted, He proclaims freedom for the captives, He releases the prisoners from darkness, He comforts all who mourn, He gives praise instead of despair. He rebuilds, He restores, He renews. (Isaiah 61)

I Am Still Confident Of This

Over the past few months these words have repeatedly come to my mind. Even if I don't fully comprehend them, they are still true. God's Word is a rock that I can cling to, a firm foundation when life is swirling around me.

Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?

The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;
may the name of the Lord be praised.

But I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

And because I am confident of this, I know that He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Jesus Christ.

Amen. Let it be so, Lord.

(Paraphrased from Job 2:10, Job 1:20, Psalm 27:13, and Philippians 1:6)

What to Say

After experiencing a miscarriage, I thought I'd share what helped us and what has not. Because of the prevalence of miscarriage, it is likely that you have or will have a friend experiencing this devastating loss.

Do:
Pray. Pray unceasingly. Pray for comfort, understanding, peace, healing. Intercede before Almighty God for your loved ones.

Acknowledge. Say, or better yet, write. You don't have to say much. Just say "I'm sorry and I'm praying for you." All your friend needs is for you to acknowledge her baby's life and her (and her husband's) pain. That's all you have to do - it's not complicated. Two dear friends from work sent me a bouquet of daisies, and I really appreciated that, too. It was a visual acknowledgment that the pain we felt was real and merited and that our baby's life mattered.

Offer. Let your friend know you are there if she and her husband need anything. But don't push.

Remember. Don't forget too soon. The grieving time will be different for every couple, but they will appreciate knowing that you haven't forgotten about their baby and their loss. I still get an email from time to time, just saying "I was thinking about you and I'm praying for you." Friends from church stop me or my husband and say, "I just wanted you to know we're praying for you." Those little reminders mean a lot.

Respect. Respect your friend's wishes. Some people grieve privately, some want the whole world to know. Respect whatever way your friend wants to grieve. Don't push them to grieve the way you would. Unless you've been there before, you can never understand the loss your friend is experiencing.

Don't:
Don't say stupid stuff, like it will get better (how do you know?), you can have other babies (but other babies won't be this baby), this is a blessing because something was wrong with the baby (all life is valuable, not just perfect life). I am so thankful no one said these hurtful things to us.

Don't say you understand unless you have lost a child, because you don't. But if you have experienced a miscarriage or loss of a child, share that with your friend. It was so encouraging to me to have women come around me and say "I'm so sorry. I've been there, too." Because I could look at their lives and see that they survived, God carried them through, God is faithful.

Don't preach. Don't talk about God's will. This is not the time for theological discussions. If you have to say anything, say "I don't know why this happened. But I know that God is faithful. And He loves you."