The Hospital

Soon the nurse wheeled me back to my room. She helped me clean up a little. Our hospital has a family support unit and we had met our family support nurse already and talked with her on the phone weekly as we waited for David’s birth. She joined us and gave David a bath at the end of my bed and helped us get ready for visitors. She played an integral part in making our hospital stay smooth and easy and her compassion and understanding was so helpful as she walked through David’s death with us.

As a somewhat-quick aside, before David was born I worried how we would handle his body and introducing him to all our family if he had already died. It turns out we treated him just as we had all our other babies. We bathed him and dressed him and swaddled him and held him and rocked him and talked to him. It really wasn’t strange at all. He was our son and we wanted to show him off to those who loved him. I think there is a lot of squeamishness in our culture about death that didn’t exist in previous generations. It seemed perfectly natural and appropriate for us, his family, to care for his earthly body. I had told the kids earlier that if David died before they had a chance to meet him, he wouldn’t look any different right away, that his body would just look like a baby doll and that they could still see him and hold him if they wanted to. They did not ask if he was alive and so we did not tell them at that time. That night Annie asked my mom if David only lived for one day, and mom told her yes, that David was in heaven now. When we got home the next morning, Sophie asked where David was and we told her “in heaven with Jesus.” Nora has patted my belly questioningly several times—“David, Mama?” And I remind her that David is in heaven now. This is what the kids had expected all along so it was not a surprise to them. The Gent talked with them that afternoon, explaining that David had died soon after he was born and that his soul—the part of him that lives forever—was in heaven with Jesus. He told them that David’s earthly body was at the funeral home and that we would have a funeral in a few days. At prayer time that night, we reminded them that someday we will all be in heaven with Jesus, together. And that David would have a perfect heavenly body.

Back to our hospital stay.

Annie, Jacob, Sophie, Nora and the grandparents came first. The kids were so precious coming in the door. They were so excited to meet David. They brought flowers for Mama and a balloon for Daddy, and pictures they had drawn and sealed in an envelope and stamped with our return address. They came over to the bed where I was holding David, and were adorable and reverent looking at him. They had waited so long for him to be born and seemed a bit in awe that he was finally here. They all wanted to hold him so they took turns sitting in the rocking chair and cradling him. I am very glad that they were all able to have that experience. Even though the memories will be fuzzy at their young ages, they will have the pictures and our stories and they will remember that it was a precious family time, and that they were included in every part of David’s story.

Each of David’s grandparents held him. His aunts and uncles and great-grandparents and cousins came. Our pastors prayed with us as I held David in my arms. Even some sweet friends who had gathered to pray and support us throughout the day were able to meet him.

We moved from the labor and delivery floor to the women’s unit, away from the other moms and babies at our request. Our family support nurse took foot molds of David and helped prepare other mementoes. A photographer from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep came and took memorial photographs. Friends from church brought dinner, our pastor came by again. Gradually everyone left and it was just Mama, Daddy, and David.

We made his footprint over Revelation 21:1-5 in my Bible. We snuggled in my bed together, the three of us. We wept as we listened to Sandra McCracken’s We Will Feast (link here), a song about making all things new by my dear friend Jenn, and a Natalie Grant song about the King. And we rested in the eternal promises of our Savior.

We put David’s bed between my hospital bed and the Gent’s couch and slept surprisingly well. David’s body was able to stay with us the whole time, thanks to our family support nurse and the use of a cuddle cot (a cooling pad for use in infant loss). In the morning we were ready to go home, or at least as ready as we could be. We held David one last time, and then entrusted him to the care of our family support nurse to be released to the funeral home. I held the flowers from the kids and was thankful my arms were not empty. Coming home as soon as possible was the right thing for us. My children are the best therapy. They needed their Mama and I needed them.