David's Third Heaven Birthday

Three years ago today our son David was born. He slipped from life in the womb to life in heaven. He never took a breath and I never looked into his eyes. And until the resurrection, the anguish of that day will never pass. I haven't forgotten a moment of his pregnancy, delivery, our time together in the hospital, his burial. Those memories are so very vivid. I have come to the end of my questions, only to start over again. 

A few months ago, our pastor said that we can keep searching for answers to our grief and never find an answer that will satisfy. And then all we can do is rest in the truth that our God is sovereign and He loves us. That statement resonated with me. 

During our Covid-19 quarantine, I've been reading Elizabeth Goudge. In her novel The Bird in the Tree, an elderly woman advising her daughter-in-law says, "Life is a rather unhappy affair, dear . . . And it's just as well to face the fact. It's essentially sad, woven of grey stuff; yet embroidered with such bright flowers." Life in this broken world is inherently sad, because all is not as it should be. We are living in the absence of shalom. Yet in God's grace, there are bright flowers along our journey. David's life was grey and bright, all at once. 

So today we will take flowers and a balloon to David's grave, and eat doughnuts in the cemetery. We'll take a family hike and look through pictures and remember together.

Remembering Today

Two Years Yesterday

Yesterday was David's second heaven birthday. We celebrated and remembered with a family day. We took doughnuts, a birthday balloon, and blue hydrangeas out to David's grave. Then we went to the botanical gardens and enjoyed the beauty of God's creation. We finished up the day with homemade pizza and playing in the sprinkler, and took some time to look through David's scrapbook and his memory box and remember the joy and grief of his life.

This is not the way you anticipate spending your child's birthday. I'd rather have him here. I'd have loved to throw a fun party and celebrate him being two. I'd love to hear his cute little baby voice and watch him play. But those dreams are not to be. I have to trust the Lord has dreamed better ones, and that in His grand redemption plan all these sorrows will come undone. For one day death itself will work backwards.

Thoughts On Three Precious Sons

The Gent and I spent a lot of time in prayer and consideration before we felt the Lord tell us to move forward with growing our family (again). To be honest, we thought we were through after Nora. We had always talked about 4 or 6 kids and felt like four was it (I mean, four kids under four was an absolute joy that I would not trade for anything, but it was also an intense time). Our beloved David, our resurrection baby, was not a blessing we asked for, but a gift who was entrusted to us. It is no coincidence he was due right around Easter. His life and death have thinned the veil that separates us from heaven forever.

When we first found out baby Poptart was on the way, we honestly hoped baby would be a girl. We just thought it would be easier all around. But the Lord knows just what our family needs and He has once again blessed us with a precious son. I still have the same concerns that initially made me think a girl would be easier.

It is very painful for people to celebrate that Jacob is finally getting a brother. I want to tell them all that Jacob already has a brother. I remind myself often that many people don't know our story and they have their own sadnesses that they carry and that it is natural and kind for people to be excited about babies. I worry that Poptart will feel pressured to fill David's place in our family and I don't want that pressure to be put on any child ever. Our children are all about two years apart. Nora and Poptart will have four years between them, because that is David's place in the middle. I worry that someone will say something hurtful in front of Jacob along the lines of "you're finally getting a boy." I have a firstborn son. He was not birthed from my body but he is fully and completely my first son. And why are people so obsessed with the Gent "finally getting his boy?" See the complaints above.

Forgive my sensitive mama heart and celebrate with us. We already have two much-loved sons. We are abundantly blessed that the Lord has given us this third son. Feeling Poptart kick and squirm and seeing the incredible, beautiful love his siblings already have for him is a gift. We didn't think we would get to do this again. We are blessed indeed.

Today, We Remember

David's Birthday

Here are a few pictures from David's birthday. Sweet friends brought us doughnuts and we took them out to David's grave. We brought a birthday balloon and flowers and Honey and Poppa had already left a heart balloon for each child. The weather was beautiful and the children enjoyed climbing trees in the cemetery. Then we went to a local nature preserve for a family hike and the kids played in the creek. We looked through David's photo albums and his memory box in the afternoon, and ordered pizza for dinner. Overall it was a good family day to remember and reflect and honor David's place in our family. Thank you to each of you who encouraged us with notes, texts, and gifts. We especially look forward to seeing "David's books" at our favorite library!

Crack in the Door

David’s first birthday is tomorrow. There are so many directions to take that sentence.

It really does feel like I held him in my arms yesterday. And at the same time that so much life has happened in the past year. I will never again get to see or touch or hear or smell my baby this side of heaven.

There are so many, many things I will never be able to do as David’s mama. It started with not being able to take him home from the hospital. Now I’m letting go of each baby milestone we did not experience this year. There are no first steps, no first words, no first birthday party to plan and no cake to bake. And my heart is broken. Each milestone that does not happen, each family event he does not share, is another loss, another place I have to let go of my son.

The memories of his kicks, the brief moments I held him, the joy his siblings found in him, they have to be enough. The time of his birth and death when the veil between heaven and earth was so thin. The moments when we worship and I remember that David is joined with us, worshiping in heaven. Even the quiet times, reading on the couch with the Gent after the children are asleep, when for a brief window in time all seems right with the world. These are the “crack in the door” moments—when I see that glimpse into eternity, redemption, wholeness. These little moments on earth that let us see that heaven is real and that heaven is coming. The light from that little crack floods this whole dark world and gives us strength and encouragement to go on.

Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.

Three Truths

It is less than a month until David's first birthday...which was yesterday and a lifetime ago. This year I have held tightly to these three statements that I know to be true:
God loves us.
God is good.
God is redeeming all things.

This song is a beautiful reminder of that. I've posted it before, but it's worth another listen. As Easter just reminded us, the redemption day is coming!

We Will Feast, by Sandra McCracken

We will feast in the house of Zion
We will sing with our hearts restored
He has done great things, we will say together
We will feast and weep no more

We will not be burned by the fire
He is the LORD our God
We are not consumed, by the flood
Upheld, protected, gathered up

We will feast in the house of Zion
We will sing with our hearts restored
He has done great things, we will say together
We will feast and weep no more

In the dark of night, before the dawn
My soul, be not afraid
For the promised morning, oh how long?
Oh God of Jacob, be my strength

We will feast in the house of Zion
We will sing with our hearts restored
He has done great things, we will say together
We will feast and weep no more

Every vow we've broken and betrayed
You are the Faithful one
And from the garden to the grave
Bind us together, bring shalom.

We will feast in the house of Zion
We will sing with our hearts restored
He has done great things, we will say together
We will feast and weep no more

"I can trust God with this." Good reminders for a Friday.

Good reminders here: Six Words to Say Through Tears

This was a paragraph my Mom shared from her Bible Study Fellowship notes on Romans 5:1-11:
"Where do you find lasting peace? Where do you find your security? When does suffering make any sense? In our fallen world, these questions are unanswerable. We are mired in a worldly search for these unattainable goals. Yet, from heaven, God gives us the answer through His Son. Through faith in Jesus Christ, we are reconciled to Him, given security in Him, and we mature through the suffering we encounter in this world. Christians' lives are not glorious because there are never dark days or difficult circumstances. Christians' lives are glorious because we live with Christ. Through faith, we boast: God holds no hostility toward us; we live in peace with Him; He secures our lives forever; He is always doing what is best for all His children. Are you resting from worry, chaos, fear and pain by enjoying God's perfect peace?"

Remembering and Feasting

Sunday was National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It is a good thing, to remember and reflect. Look back, look forward. A sweet friend reminded me of this song (We Will Feast, Sandra McCracken). The Gent and I listened to it while we held David that night in the hospital. From the garden to the grave . . . until we will feast and weep no more.

We will feast in the house of Zion
We will sing with our hearts restored
He has done great things, we will say together
We will feast and weep no more

We will not be burned by the fire
He is the LORD our God
We are not consumed, by the flood
Upheld, protected, gathered up

In the dark of night, before the dawn
My soul, be not afraid
For the promised morning, oh how long?
Oh God of Jacob, be my strength

Every vow we’ve broken and betrayed
You are the Faithful one
And from the garden to the grave
Bind us together, bring shalom.


Noel. Zion. David. You are remembered, you are loved.

The Sad Pictures

I've neglected posting these because they are so sad. But they are part of David's story, too. The first is the a precious reminder of the redemption that's coming: David's footprint over Revelation 21 in my Bible. Then the clothes we buried David in. The drawings the children made and tucked in his casket. The beautiful blessing prayed over his casket before it was shipped to us. And the only picture I have from the funeral. I'm glad we have this one, but I don't want any more.

Rejoice with those who rejoice . . .

Romans 12:15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.
I think the body of Christ is good at this last part. And it IS good to weep with those who weep and grieve with those who grieve and mourn with those who mourn. But let’s not neglect the first part. It is good to rejoice with those who rejoice! Be joyful for the blessings and the good things and the happy times. Be thankful in ALL things.

I’m confused when people ask me if it is hard to be around other babies or be happy about other women’s pregnancies. I am so thankful for them and their precious little ones. I certainly don’t want anyone else to walk this awful road we have walked, to carry and love their child and then bury them. Yes, when I see babies around David’s age I sometimes think, “this is what he would have been doing now if . . . “ But that is a fleeting thought. There really was no other “if” for him. His physical body was not made for life here. In heaven he is whole.

Nora was talking with me about David a few weeks ago. She was remembering holding him and how proud she was to be the big sister.
I held him, Mama.
Yes you did, baby girl.
David’s in heaven?
Yes, baby, in heaven.
With Jesus?
Yes, with Jesus.
Is he sad?
No, precious, I don’t think he’s sad.
He misses us.

I didn’t have a response to that. We certainly miss him. So we continue to trust that the Lord is with us in all circumstances, and nothing is beyond His redemption.

A Year Ago

It was about a year ago that we were surprised to find out I was pregnant, and then knocked flat by David’s diagnosis. There were so many unknowns and fears and worries. I feel like the whole fall was a blur that we just got through day by day. I know I taught kindergarten and we had a playroom renovation going on and there was soccer and ballet and other stuff. I knew that the Lord would be faithful to carry us through and He was. And is. Am I thankful now that we are on the other side of it? Absolutely. By spring we could feel David’s kicks and make more definite plans for his arrival and death while we celebrated the life he had. That part isn’t a blur, but each day a gift of his life to cherish. So continue to pray with us, remember with us, grieve with us. Those “Life is Good” stickers and shirts bug me. Life is hard. God is good.

A Thousand Tongues

Do you know this old hymn by Charles Wesley? We sang it in church a couple of weeks ago. I was struck by the last verse with this phrase I'd never really thought through before: "Saints below and saints above." I know that one of the things the saints do in heaven is worship, but I had never considered that as we are worshiping here on earth, we are joined with the saints above in worship of our great God. So as I worship here, throughout my day and week and on Sundays with other believers, I can join in with David in heaven. What a beautiful way to slip behind the veil that separates us just a little.

O for a thousand tongues to sing
my great Redeemer's praise,
the glories of my God and King,
the triumphs of his grace!

To God all glory, praise, and love
be now and ever given
by saints below and saints above,
the Church in earth and heaven.

Even If

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

I didn't know I was a MercyMe fan but their music has really been resonating with me lately. Have you heard Even If? Link here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6fA35Ved-Y

More Love

We have been well-loved through all of David's life and death. Here are pictures of our wonderful family, friends, and pastors who joined us that day. And there were more I didn't get pictures of...thank you to everyone who gathered to pray over us on David's birth day.

Joyful Moments

A sweet friend and I talked about David last night. In talking together, I was reminded that in the midst of these very hard things there was lots of joy to be found. You can see it on the precious faces in these pictures.