Zion Chandler and Natural Miscarriage

We decided on a name for Munchkin: Zion Chandler. Zion is from the Bible and means "heaven." Chandler is a family name. Every couple has to make their own decisions, but I like having names for all my babies--no matter how long they live all our babies are part of our family. A name is something solid to remember, and to reference. So much more personal than "my third pregnancy" or "it."

A few words about natural miscarriage for those who want to know (if not just stop reading now.) We found out at seven weeks that Zion was not growing; this was confirmed with another ultrasound at eight weeks. My doctor offered us options of surgery (D&C), pills, or waiting it out. I didn't even have to think about it, I knew I would prefer a natural miscarriage. Again, this is something that is different for every woman, but these were my reasons. 1) lower chance of complications (surgery and the pills are generally safe, but in the rare event that things go wrong, they can go really, really wrong, resulting in problems with later pregnancies or even loss of fertility. not to say things can't go wrong naturally, but it typically happens more slowly and there is time for medical intervention if necessary) 2) eliminates any doubt about whether or not the pregnancy was viable and you opted for surgery or pills when the baby would have been okay (again, rare but it does happen and I couldn't live with the what-ifs) 3) waiting it out gave me time to emotionally accept Zion's loss and prepare for it before the physical loss occurred. When I opted to wait I knew I could be in for a wait of several weeks, though miscarriages generally occur by week twelve. I thought at first it would be hard to wait but it really wasn't. At ten weeks I started spotting and miscarried a couple of days later (April 20). I had some cramping and heavy bleeding for about an hour and that was it. It really wasn't bad at all. I've definitely had worse menstrual cramping and compared to natural childbirth it was nothing. I'm still spotting a little and that should taper off in a few days.

About trying again . . . my doctor said whenever we are ready, no medical reason to wait the 1-3 months that used to be the standard recommendation. We aren't at any higher risk in future pregnancies (three miscarriages in a row is when doctors start to get concerned). The statistics keep changing, but the latest study I saw suggested miscarriage rates as high as 40% of all pregnancies (lots of those occur really early, before you even know you're pregnant), and most miscarriages are because of severe genetic defects. Both of our miscarriages are assumed to be in that category, especially since I've carried one pregnancy to term.

Anything I forgot to answer? I tried to be honest but not overwhelm with detail. :)

What I Know

On Easter Sunday we sang Aaron Shust's "My Savior Lives." Part of the lyrics go like this:

I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed, what God has planned
I only know at His right hand
Stands one who is my Savior

My Savior loves, My Savior lives
My Savior's always there for me
My God He was, my God He is
My God He's always gonna be

Those words spoke to my heart. It is easy to question God, to be angry, to just want to understand. Why didn't my prayers get answered the way I wanted? Why do I have to go through the loss of a baby again? I could go on and on with the questions, but I wouldn't get anywhere. The prophet Isaiah reminds us that God's ways are not our ways. And His way is better, despite what I can see at the time. I am not skilled to understand the mysteries of God, but I do know that at His right hand is our Savior. Our Savior who loves so greatly that He laid down His life for us, our Savior who never leaves us or forsakes us. So I'm focusing on what I know. God is good. All the time.

Not Much to Say

We did not see any change on today's ultrasound. I have decided to wait and let my body work naturally instead of medical intervention. It is hard to wait (doctor said it could be several weeks) but I know that is the best course of action for me. We are sad. At the same time, we've been down this loss road before, and we know eventually you get through to the other side. We are thankful for the life God gave us; we know all life is sacred in His sight. Please continue to pray for us, specifically for the miscarriage to go smoothly and not require medical intervention, for healing for our hearts, and for us to be reminded over and over again that God is faithful.

On Our Hearts

I’ve been struggling with how to pray over the circumstances we find ourselves in with our Munchkin. Do I pray for acceptance, for healing, for a miracle?

I remember the story in the Old Testament about King Hezekiah, who prayed for the years of his life to be extended. God answered his prayer, but in the fifteen additional years Hezekiah lived, he fathered a son who was an extremely evil man and led God’s people to destruction. Would it have been better if Hezekiah hadn’t lived those fifteen years more? Or was enough good accomplished in those years that the good outweighed the bad?

This morning I sat down and opened my Bible. I am reading through the New Testament right now, but this morning I wanted the comfort of the Psalms. I turned the pages back to Psalms and found myself at Psalm 139. I’ve heard people say “the Lord led me to this verse” so many times, and I wonder to myself, did they just pick up their Bible and let it fall open? I don’t think that’s always the way the Lord leads us to a particular Word from Him, but that’s exactly what He did to me this morning. He put these words right in front of me:

“For You formed my inward parts; You knitted me together in my mother’s womb . . . Your eyes saw my unformed substance, in Your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were none of them.”

The Lord has a plan for this little one, before our baby was conceived God knew the length of Munchkin’s life. Whether that is a short few growing inside me or a hundred years on earth, God has a plan. None of this is taking Him by surprise.

The Gent and I trust that plan, whatever it is.

We are praying boldly and specifically that the Lord will knit together our baby’s tiny body, this week focusing on Munchkin’s spine and heart. We know our Lord is the Great Physician, and nothing is impossible for God. We are praying for His mercy to be poured out on our family, and on this child in particular. We pray also, as we do for Annie each day, that the Lord would fulfill His purpose in our children’s lives, in whatever way He chooses to do so. If it is not His will that this baby be born, then we pray for His peace and comfort. Our lives—and those of our children—are in His hands. We invite you to join with us these next few days as we boldly and confidently approach the throne of God Almighty.

Heavenly Father,

We acknowledge that You alone are God. You made the heavens and the earth and You formed us out of nothing. All that we have and all that we are is from You. You are strong and mighty to save. You are loving and merciful and compassionate. You are the Healer, the mender of broken hearts and souls and bodies.

Lord, we don’t fully understand the situation we currently find ourselves in, but we trust that You have a plan and that You are working for our good.

You promise us in Your Word that You hear our prayers, that the prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective, that where two or three are gathered together You are in the midst of them, that if we are suffering, we should pray in Your Name. We are so grateful that You hear us, that You never abandon us.

Father God, we ask for You to watch over this little one. We approach Your throne and we boldly ask that You would knit our baby’s body together, that You would form our little one’s spine and heart. We know that all things are possible for You. Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.

Lord, above all else, we pray for Your will to be done in our lives and those of our children. Make our hearts one with You.

In the powerful and mighty Name of Jesus our Savior,
Amen.

Not Good News

We had our ultrasound yesterday, but we weren't able to see a fetal pole or a heartbeat. At seven weeks I am definitely far enough along that we should have seen the beginnings of a baby. Since I chart and have for some time, it is improbable that my dates are off. At first the doctor wasn't concerned, but when I showed her my chart she became more apprehensive. She thinks that I will likely miscarry in the next few weeks, once my body realizes the baby is not growing. I go back for another ultrasound Tuesday to see if anything has changed but that is unlikely. I am not giving up hope entirely, but am being realistic. Unlike my pregnancy with Noel, when I had no symptoms, I feel very pregnant this time around, all the same symptoms I had with Annie. It is very strange to have the symptoms when I know most likely our baby is already gone. Emotionally I am feeling okay, stuck in limbo. I know that whatever happens we will get through it. I really don't want to walk the miscarriage road again. But I know that God is faithful, and I trust Him. Your prayers are treasured, dear friends.

One Month

Ahh, nice flat tummy. I worked so hard to get it back. Guess I will be doing it all over again in nine months--and it will all be worth it. :D

Weaning and other Questions

Thanks for all the well-wishes for our little Munchkin. Our first ultrasound is in two weeks so I'll have an update for you then. I am feeling good, no nausea yet (that set in about week seven with Annie), just tired. And hungry all the time.

I'm thinking that's cause I'm feeding one baby while growing another. :)

Folks keep asking me if I'm planning to wean Annie soon (they were asking before I announced the pregnancy). Nope. Annie still loves nursing and has made no attempt to self-wean. She is nursing four times a day - first thing in the morning, after her two naps, and before bed. I will most likely wean her at some point towards the end of my second trimester/beginning of the third, because I don't think tandem nursing is the way I want to go. (But for those moms who do, more power to ya!)

I've also been asked about our plans for foster parenting. We have two classes left, then our home visits, cpr training, and finishing up our paperwork. I know some people think we're crazy, but we actually planned to have another baby and begin fostering at the same time. We'll be certified in another couple of months so we'll have several months to adjust to fostering before Munchkin comes. Last year when we took our Christmas card photo, the Gent and I looked at each other and asked, "how many kids are going to be in this picture next year?!"

And to answer a couple of questions about Munchkin . . . Yes, we will find out if baby is a boy or a girl. No, we will not share baby's name until the birth. Yes, we have a boy name picked out, and a first name for a girl. We've got some time to decide on the middle name.

Any more questions? Ask away!

Big Sister

(did you get it?!?)



(we're really excited around here)

'Cause there's a baby on the way!

We're due mid-November.

I know, most folks would say it is too early to be sharing our news. But I have my reasons.

We're really, really, really excited about our family's new addition.

Our extended family knows already.

We know from past experience that if a pregnancy ends in a miscarriage we have to tell our family then, and I have to write about it to process. So we might as well tell the happy news and let you pray with us over this little one than wait in case things go wrong and have to tell you then.

And as a dear friend counseled me last week, I'm not going to let fear still my joy over this little one. We're having a baby!! No matter what, this child is already part of our family.

Just wanted to share that joy with you! But hey . . . shhhhhh . . . if you know us in real life, it is still a "secret" in public circles (like work or church) until the second trimester.

Happy Monday!