Positive Discipline

As we enter toddlerhood and foster parenting, the Gent and I have been contemplating what kind of discipline we will use in our home. At this stage the only "discipline" we need is close supervision, redirection, and distraction. Annie and JJ both know what the word "no" means, but I try not to over-use it. And of course at this age they obey "no" maybe 75% of the time. They are toddlers and they are curious about their little world and the big world, too. They want to touch everything and that's just how they are learning.

But as Annie gets older, and if/when we have a preschool-aged foster child, I know we'll need more disciplinary tools than we use now. I've read several of Dr. Dobson's books and got some great ideas there--I especially enjoyed Bringing Up Girls and Bringing Up Boys.

And I'm going to go ahead and address the spanking issue. We live in the South. Lots of parents spank their kids. Like any disciplinary tool, it works for some kids and not for others. Your kids are your kids and you need to parent them as you see fit. But as for me . . . I've always been uncomfortable with corporal punishment. And with foster parenting, it is not an option, for obvious reasons.

In our foster parenting classes they gave us suggestions about discipline, like time out, natural consequences, behavior charts, etc. We went over the information quickly though and it seemed disjointed.

So I picked up Jane Nelsen's Positive Discipline at the library a couple of weeks ago. Like practically everything I read, I agreed with a good bit of it and disregarded some of it. It did give great explanations and alternatives to traditional punitive punishment, and offered lots of advice on how to create a cooperative and respectful relationship between parents and their children. Dr. Nelsen also touches on childhood development (as Dr. Dobson does in his books), which is an excellent reminder of what is normal at each stage. It is easy to forget what is was like to be a kid. :)

Dr. Nelsen's premise is that we should "give up the crazy idea that in order to make children do better, first you have to make them feel worse." Parents should be kind and firm at the same time. The parents are the leaders in the relationship, but it should be based on mutual respect. Mistakes are opportunities to learn, not the end of the world. She is also big on cooling off periods, family meetings for kids past the age of reason (around 3), and involving children in problem solving.

"A misbehaving child is a discouraged child." Dr. Nelsen claims there are four goals of misbehavior: undue attention (I belong only when I have your attention), misguided power (I belong only when I'm the boss), revenge (I don't belong, but at least I can hurt back), and assumed inadequacy (It is impossible to belong; I give up). When you can discern your child's goal in misbehaving you can decide how to treat the problem.

A few of my favorite quotes:
"Children obviously do not deserve all the rights that come with greater experience, skills, and maturity. Adult leadership and guidance are important. However, children deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. They also deserve the opportunity to develop the life skills they need in an atmosphere of kindness and firmness instead of an atmosphere of blame, shame, and pain." p4

"It is important to emphasize that eliminating punishment does not mean that children should be allowed to do whatever they want. We need to provide opportunities for children to experience responsibility in direct relationship to the privileges they enjoy." p5

"Many people feel strongly that strictness and punishment work. I agree. I would never say that punishment does not work. Punishment does work in that it usually stops misbehavior immediately. But . . .the long-term results of punishment are that children usually adopt one or all of the Four R's of Punishment: resentment ("this is unfair; I can't trust adults"), revenge ("they are winning now, but I'll get even"), rebellion ("I'll do the opposite to prove I don't have to do it their way"), or retreat ("I'm a bad person")." p13

All in all, an interesting read with plenty of practical ideas to take away. Wonder how this is going to work in real life? What works for your family? Please share!