A Heavenly Anniversary

One year ago today, I was miscarrying our first baby. One year ago today, Noel Christian went to be with Jesus. One year ago today, we woke up knowing our lives would never be the same.

Psalm 34:18
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

I remember every detail about that day. I remember barely sleeping the night before, knowing what was happening in my body and that I couldn't fight it or change it. I remember waking up for good about 4am, and lying in bed crying for what I now knew would never be. I remember finally getting up at 6, answering some dog rescue emails and sending an email to my friend at work to ask her to tell the boss I was ill. I remember sobbing in the shower while the Gent sat on the other side of the curtain. I remember calling the nurse and scheduling an appointment. I remember how kind she was. I remember the dress I wore to the doctor's office. I remember the ultrasound and the doctor's gentle counsel. I remember how angry I was with the other young couple in the office, who were there for their first ultrasound, ooing and ahhing over their baby's pictures. I remember getting home by 11 and realizing it was all over and wondering what I would ever do to get through the day. I remember the Gent calling our parents to tell them the news. I couldn't do it. I remember emailing our Sunday School class and how supportive they all were. I remember spending most of the day on the couch, watching mindless television and just wanting the day to be over. Which, eventually, it was.

I remember going back to work the next day, needing to get back into routine as soon as possible. I remember going out for dinner with the Gent, and drinking a glass of wine. I remember going to the art museum with friends that night, needing to be out of the house, with people who didn't know what was happening. I remember all of it.

I remember wondering when the grief would ever end (it doesn't, it just gets more bearable). I remember all the questions I asked God. I remember the constant reminders of His faithfulness. I remember learning to trust Him all over again.

Job 1:21b
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised.

What a year it has been.

Looking back, I still don't understand it. If I could change the outcome, would I? I'd have a five month old infant now. I wouldn't have this little girl who's growing in my tummy now. I would have been spared grief and anguish, at least for a while. I wouldn't have experienced the enduring faithfulness of God in a whole new way.

All I can do is thank the Lord for Noel's life. I rest in knowing our little one is safe in God's arms, that our baby will never know pain or grief, but only our heavenly Father's love.

Lamentations 3:19-26
I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.
I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me.
Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:

Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
for His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is Your faithfulness.
I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for Him.”

The LORD is good to those whose hope is in Him,
to the one who seeks Him;
it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.

P.S. I'm still not at any good at talking about all this. I cry every time. I am thankful for the written word, that allows me to express what I want without falling apart.

P.P.S. After writing this blog I started catching up on my blog reader. Jeannett miscarried her baby yesterday. Please lift her up before the Father today. http://liferearranged.com/2011/01/zero/