The Birds and the Bees

Last week I explained how babies are made to all my kiddos. We had read about salmon and how the eggs have to be fertilized or the baby fish won’t grow, and there were lots of questions about that. So I explained sex. Annie and Jacob were very interested, Sophie listened as she played next to us, and I don’t think Nora cared at all.

The Gent and I have had an ongoing discussion of how we wanted to explain the “birds and the bees” for the past few years. When I was pregnant with Nora there were lots of questions about “how is the baby going to get out, Mama?” We read a sweet book together called The Story of Me by Brenna and Stan Jones (God’s Design for Sex, book 1). I’d say it is appropriate for 3 year olds and up. It is gentle but direct. It touches very, very briefly on conception (along the lines of: a tiny part of Daddy and a tiny part of Mommy come together to make a baby) and focuses more on how the baby grows, how the baby gets food and oxygen, how the baby is born (covers vaginal and cesarean births), how a baby nurses, what makes a boy or a girl and the names of private parts, and that private parts are private. At age 3, I felt like it covered everything I wanted my kids to know and gave us a launching pad to answer their questions. The Gent and I have addressed other questions they’ve had as they have come up. Around this time we also read The Berenstain Bears Learn about Strangers, which went over--in a non-threatening way--“stranger danger.”

This summer, the Gent and I did a training session on protecting your kids in the digital world we live in. There’s so much out there that we never had to deal with growing up. And you do need to establish safeguards for your kids online (check out Circle and Circle Go), but you can’t keep them from everything.

What do we want to communicate to our kids? We want them to remember God’s story for sex. He created it! And we want to teach a narrative that’s bigger than what the world says. We want our kids to know that sex is a good gift from God, intended for marriage. We want them to understand that sex is powerful, but that power can be a positive one. It reflects our covenant relationship with God. Their bodies are made in the image of God. Stop and think about it. That is an amazing truth! I want my children to know that their bodies are good and beautiful and are to be treasured because they are made in the image of Almighty God.

Around here, we don’t talk about diets and clothes not fitting. I don’t think my kids have ever heard me say anything negative about my body. We talk about exercise and keeping our bodies healthy, and that food is fuel for our bodies. Some foods make us feel better than others, and our bodies need certain foods to stay healthy and grow strong. There’s another book we love called God Made All of Me, by Justin and Lindsey Holcomb. It talks to kids about how wonderful their bodies are, and also covers gender differences, body part names, and unwanted touch. I appreciated that it showed kids how to set boundaries around their bodies, and let them know they aren’t being rude if they don’t want to give a hug (give a high five instead, or just say hello). In the South, especially, I think we pressure our kids to behave a certain way and we need to let them set the boundaries for their bodies and teach others that they must respect those boundaries.

In our class, we also talked about pornography and its far-reaching and dangerous grasp into this world we live in. We read another book, Good Pictures Bad Pictures JR (we have Good Pictures Bad Pictures, too, but I think it is more for 7 and up, we aren’t quite there yet). It teaches kids what to do if they see a bad picture, and lets them know they can always go to an adult they trust for help. We don’t want to scare our kids, but we do want to prepare them for difficult things they will likely face. And if we set ourselves up as the expert in sex and all these related things, we hope they will know that they can always come to us with their questions and things they’ve overheard and we will tell them the truth.

We’ve also discussed that God made boys to be boys and girls to be girls, and that you are exactly who God made you to be and God does not make mistakes.

So on to the actual explanation of sex. Well, almost. Along with some mama friends of mine, I went through Mary Flo Ridley’s Birds and Bees workbook (http://www.birds-bees.com) and then the Gent and I discussed it, too. You can listen to a great podcast summary here: http://godcenteredmom.com/2014/05/19/birds-bees-mary-flo-ridley-ep-25/. Mary Flo suggests you start by forming a statement about your family’s beliefs about sex. Hers was “Sex is a gift from God intended for marriage” and the Gent and I appropriated that. Then you teach the appropriate names for private parts. When children express curiosity (or if they don’t, you can say “have you ever wondered?”), you answer their questions in a straightforward way. Usually they start by wanting to know how a baby is born. You tell them the story of the miraculous way they were born! Then you have conversations about seeds and eggs—that all life comes from seeds and eggs. Look at the apple seeds, chickens lay eggs, if we plant these seeds zinnias will grow, etc. At some point, probably in the early elementary years, you answer the question “how did that baby get in there?” And you give a biologically correct answer, which is all young kids are looking for. There don’t have any sexual desires pre-puberty, there’s no need for the “when two people love each other” talk. You just tell them. If you need a minute to gather your thoughts, try “That’s a great question. I’m so glad you asked.” This works for lots of parenting situations. ;)

Here’s what I told Jacob and Annie: “Remember how we talked about seeds and eggs and how all living things come from seeds and eggs? Well, there’s a seed inside the daddy and an egg inside the mommy. They have to meet for a baby to be made. So the husband’s penis goes inside the wife’s vagina and that’s how the seed and the egg meet and the baby gets started. Doctors call this sexual intercourse, but usually people just say sex because sexual intercourse is kind of long to say. Sex is something God created for mommies and daddies who are married. And it is private. Other people don’t watch, and it’s not something we talk about with our friends. If you have questions, you can always come to me or Daddy and we will always tell you the truth. Sometimes other kids think they know what sex is and they like to giggle about it, but now you know how a baby gets made and you know the truth.”

WHEW.

While I was relieved to have this introduction to sex over with, my children seemed to find it perfectly natural. At some point we will read the next book in our God’s Design for Sex book, Before I Was Born. It covers the biological details I just talked with them about, and also introduces puberty and how a girl turns into a woman and a boy turns into a man.

Obviously, we’re in for an ongoing conversation. We began it in the toddler and preschool years, and we’re continuing to build (in an age appropriate way) on that foundation. That’s the way we want it to be. In our family, we follow the Bible, and we can turn to the Bible for questions about anything, even about sex. God’s Word is true and we can trust it. It is the Rock we stand upon.