After experiencing a miscarriage, I thought I'd share what helped us and what has not. Because of the prevalence of miscarriage, it is likely that you have or will have a friend experiencing this devastating loss.
Do:
Pray. Pray unceasingly. Pray for comfort, understanding, peace, healing. Intercede before Almighty God for your loved ones.
Acknowledge. Say, or better yet, write. You don't have to say much. Just say "I'm sorry and I'm praying for you." All your friend needs is for you to acknowledge her baby's life and her (and her husband's) pain. That's all you have to do - it's not complicated. Two dear friends from work sent me a bouquet of daisies, and I really appreciated that, too. It was a visual acknowledgment that the pain we felt was real and merited and that our baby's life mattered.
Offer. Let your friend know you are there if she and her husband need anything. But don't push.
Remember. Don't forget too soon. The grieving time will be different for every couple, but they will appreciate knowing that you haven't forgotten about their baby and their loss. I still get an email from time to time, just saying "I was thinking about you and I'm praying for you." Friends from church stop me or my husband and say, "I just wanted you to know we're praying for you." Those little reminders mean a lot.
Respect. Respect your friend's wishes. Some people grieve privately, some want the whole world to know. Respect whatever way your friend wants to grieve. Don't push them to grieve the way you would. Unless you've been there before, you can never understand the loss your friend is experiencing.
Don't:
Don't say stupid stuff, like it will get better (how do you know?), you can have other babies (but other babies won't be this baby), this is a blessing because something was wrong with the baby (all life is valuable, not just perfect life). I am so thankful no one said these hurtful things to us.
Don't say you understand unless you have lost a child, because you don't. But if you have experienced a miscarriage or loss of a child, share that with your friend. It was so encouraging to me to have women come around me and say "I'm so sorry. I've been there, too." Because I could look at their lives and see that they survived, God carried them through, God is faithful.
Don't preach. Don't talk about God's will. This is not the time for theological discussions. If you have to say anything, say "I don't know why this happened. But I know that God is faithful. And He loves you."
Thank you for using your blog in your grieving process. (I admire you for this because I'm still not ready to talk about it publicly.) You've put into words my exact feelings over this past year. March 1 marked 1 year since I miscarried and it's been heavy on my heart this month. Thank you for sharing your story. I pray for you often and value your friendship so much!
ReplyDeleteThis is really helpful for all of us who want you to know that we are praying for you but don't want to put you in an awkward or hurtful position. And I am SO glad that people have not been insensitive towards you during this time.
ReplyDeleteHello, anonymous friend. I knew your remembrance day was close; I've been praying for you! Thank you for sharing your own experience with me - it sounds strange but it is so encouraging to know other women with the same sense of understanding. Certainly not a club you ever want to join, but since we don't have much choice in the matter I am glad we can share in it together.
ReplyDeletePlease don't think I have this grieving process all figured out, because I sure don't. I can write about it, but I'm not good at the actual talking part. Not sure if I ever will be. We all experience loss differently, and if you don't feel up to sharing it there's no reason to. Some things really are too painful.