Listening

Fair warning that this will be a very personal post. I am far from a perfect person. The Lord is molding me into His vessel every day.

These past three weeks have been very difficult, to say the least. I swing back and forth between acceptance and anger. I question God one minute, but the next I know that He is sovereign in all circumstances. I am hopeful about the future, and then caught up in sadness, all within the same five minutes. I want to know why my baby died, and I realize no matter how much I ask, I'll never fully understand. There are a multitude of answers, but none of them are the one I want to hear. Because none of them will bring Noel back.

I have questioned God, been mad at Him, and grateful for His presence all at the same time. He's really God. My pain and anger aren't going to be more than He can take. One of the most freeing things I ever heard (several years ago), was just a reminder that "nothing's going to jump out and eat God." I laughed when I first heard that phrase, but I've returned to it over and over again. If God is really God, no question is to big for Him. No problem is too big or small for Him to handle. Our God is a really big God. He is outside of space and time, yet He longs to be accepted into our hearts, to come and dwell within us, if we only invite Him in.

I have been keeping up with my morning Bible study, but putting off really taking time to be alone in the Lord's presence. I didn't want to hear what He had to say to me. I wasn't ready.

But this morning as I drove into work, I set aside my morning commute to listen at His feet. I started with questioning why this had happened, but told Him I knew I would never really understand. And that I'm okay with that. I repented of my anger and pride, my self-reliance. I thanked the Lord for His comfort and His presence, for the sacrifice of His own Son, to save me from my sin. Jesus's death was the ultimate undeserving death. God knows what it is like to lose His child, too. And then I asked God to speak to me.

I wasn't expecting an audible voice, a whirlwind, or a column of fire. The Lord usually speaks through His Word. I thought maybe He would remind me of verses about how He heals the brokenhearted, or is faithful, or something like that. But that wasn't what God had to say to me.

The words He spoke to me were these, from Zephaniah 3:17:
The Lord Your God is with you,
He is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing.

Did you hear that?! The Lord is with me. I am not alone. He has not abandoned me. Psalm 138:8 says the Lord will fulfill His purpose for me; He does not abandon the works of His hands.

The Lord is mighty to save. To saves us from sin and death. He rescues us from certain judgment and destruction. On my own I am nothing; with Him I am everything.

God delights in me. Even in my brokenness, He delights in me. He doesn't care if my eyes are red from crying, or if I am questioning His presence. He delights in me all the same.

He quiets me with His love. He knows my broken heart. He comforts me in my distress. He is near.

He rejoices over me with singing. I haven't done anything to earn God's love. In fact, there is nothing I can do on my own. But He doesn't care about that. He just wants to rejoice over me, as I am in His presence.

I'm not quite sure what all these grand revelations mean for living my day-to-day existence right now. But I look forward to finding out.