David's Playlist

Here's the playlist I listened to during David's labor and delivery...

You Will Remain 4:32 All Sons & Daughters All Sons & Daughters Religious 0 1
God With Us 4:08 All Sons & Daughters All Sons & Daughters Religious 0 1
Christ Be All Around Me 5:29 All Sons & Daughters All Sons & Daughters Religious 0
For Your Glory & My Good 3:43 All Sons & Daughters All Sons & Daughters Religious 0
King of Glory (You Restore My Soul) 4:02 All Sons & Daughters All Sons & Daughters Religious 0
The Victory 4:46 All Sons & Daughters All Sons & Daughters Religious 0
Great Are You Lord 4:56 All Sons & Daughters All Sons & Daughters Religious 0
This Is My Father's World 3:07 Amy Grant WOW Hymns [Disc 2] Gospel & Religious 0
The Dark Before The Dawn 4:10 Andrew Peterson The Burning Edge Of Dawn Religious 0 1
God Of My Fathers 3:59 Andrew Peterson Counting Stars Religious 0
Help My Unbelief 4:32 Audrey Assad Fortunate Fall Religious 0
All I Need 3:16 Bethany Dillon Bethany Dillon Gospel & Religious 0
Lead Me On 3:35 Bethany Dillon Bethany Dillon Gospel & Religious 0
You Make Me Brave 6:06 Bethel Music & Amanda Cook You Make Me Brave [Live] Religious 0 1
It Is Well 6:25 Bethel Music & Kristene Di Marco You Make Me Brave [Live] Religious 0 1
Anchor 4:47 Bethel Music & Leah Mari You Make Me Brave [Live] Religious 0
'Tis So Sweet To Trust In Jesus 3:17 Casting Crowns WOW Hymns [Disc 1] Gospel & Religious 0 1
The Solid Rock 4:29 Charlie Hall Hymns Ancient & Modern Gospel & Religious 0 1
Psalm 126 (You Have Done Great Things) 5:35 Charlie Hall Our Love Is Lord Gospel & Religious 0 1
Better Is One Day 5:34 Charlie Hall WOW Worship: Orange [Disc 1] Gospel & Religious 0 1
I See The Moon 4:54 Chris Rice Amusing Gospel & Religious 0 1
Savior Like A Shepherd Lead Us 3:54 Chris Rice The Living Room Sessions Gospel & Religious 0
Great Is Thy Faithfulness 3:50 Chris Rice The Living Room Sessions Gospel & Religious 0
Come Thou Found Of Every Blessing 4:18 Chris Rice The Living Room Sessions Gospel & Religious 0
How Great Thou Art 3:25 Chris Rice The Living Room Sessions Gospel & Religious 0
Naive 3:29 Chris Rice Past The Edges Gospel & Religious 0 1
And Your Praise Goes On 4:57 Chris Rice Past The Edges Gospel & Religious 0
It Is Well With My Soul 4:40 Chris Rice Peace Like a River: The Hymns Project Gospel & Religious 0
Rock Of Ages 3:14 Chris Rice Peace Like a River: The Hymns Project Gospel & Religious 0
Come Thou Fountain of Every Blessing 3:44 Chris Rice Peace Like a River: The Hymns Project Gospel & Religious 0
O Love That Will Not Let Me Go 2:50 Chris Rice Peace Like a River: The Hymns Project Gospel & Religious 0
Great Is Thy Faithfulness 4:42 Chris Rice Peace Like a River: The Hymns Project Gospel & Religious 0
Old Rugged Cross 3:26 Chris Rice Peace Like a River: The Hymns Project Gospel & Religious 0
How Great Thou Art 4:54 Chris Rice Peace Like a River: The Hymns Project Gospel & Religious 0
Untitled Hymn (Come To Jesus) 3:50 Chris Rice Run The Earth, Watch The Sky Gospel & Religious 0
Your Grace Is Enough 4:09 Chris Tomlin Arriving Gospel & Religious 0
Mighty Is The Power Of The Cross 6:05 Chris Tomlin Arriving Gospel & Religious 0 1
I Stand Amazed (How Marvelous) 6:37 Chris Tomlin Everything Glorious Gospel & Religious 0 1
I Will Rise 5:01 Chris Tomlin Hello Love Gospel & Religious 0 1
Forever 5:14 Chris Tomlin The Noise We Make Gospel & Religious 0
Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone) 4:27 Chris Tomlin See The Morning Gospel & Religious 0
Take My Life (And Let It Be) 5:01 Chris Tomlin WOW Hymns [Disc 1] Gospel & Religious 0
Hosanna 5:46 Christy Nockels God Of This City Gospel & Religious 0 1
Praise To The Lord, The Almighty 4:56 Christy Nockels Hymns Ancient & Modern Gospel & Religious 0 1
Come Thou Long Expected Jesus 2:59 Chris Tomlin Feat. Christy Nockels Glory In The Highest: Christmas Songs Of Worship Holiday 0 1
My Anchor [Live] 4:36 Christy Nockels Let It Be Jesus [Live] Religious 0 2
Choose 5:25 Christy Nockels Life Light Up Gospel & Religious 0 2
Knees To The Earth 4:46 Christy Nockels Sacred Revolution Gospel & Religious 0 1
Ain't No Grave 3:42 Crowder Neon Steeple Religious 0 1
Come Thou Fount 3:46 David Crowder Our Love Is Lord Gospel & Religious 0 1
Soon I Will Be Done With The Troubles Of The World 0:48 David Crowder Band A Collision or (3+4=7) Gospel & Religious 0 1
How He Loves 5:33 David Crowder Band Passion: Awakening Religious 0 1
Never Let Go 4:40 David Crowder Band Remedy Gospel & Religious 0 1
In His Time 4:23 Diane Ball WOW Worship: Yellow Gospel & Religious 0 1
God Is Good 4:50 Don Moen WOW Worship [Disc 2] Gospel & Religious 0 1
God Will Make A Way 4:21 Don Moen WOW Worship [Disc 2] Gospel & Religious 0 1
Blessed Be The Name Of The Lord 1:54 Don Moen WOW Worship: Yellow Gospel & Religious 0 1
Be Thou My Vision 3:53 Fernando Ortega WOW Hymns [Disc 2] Gospel & Religious 0 1
How Deep the Father's Love 3:47 Fernando Ortega You are Home to Me Rock 0 1
Be Near 5:36 Grace Campus Ministries encounter live Gospel & Religious 0 1
Beautiful Things 5:10 Gungor Beautiful Things Religious 0 1
Please Be My Strength 3:33 Gungor Beautiful Things Religious 0
Even When It Hurts (Praise Song) 6:18 Hillsong United Empires Religious 0
Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) 8:56 Hillsong United Zion Christian & Gospel/General 0 2
Something Beautiful 3:47 Jars Of Clay The Eleventh Hour Gospel & Religious 0
God Be Merciful To Me (Psalm 51) 4:32 Jars Of Clay Redemption Songs Gospel & Religious 0
I Need Thee Every Hour 3:47 Jars Of Clay Redemption Songs Gospel & Religious 0
God Will Lift Up Your Head 4:22 Jars Of Clay Redemption Songs Gospel & Religious 0
I'll Fly Away 4:43 Jars Of Clay Feat. Sarah Kelly Redemption Songs Gospel & Religious 0
I Know You're There 5:16 John Elefante Corridors Gospel & Religious 0
That's Why God Made the Moon 5:56 John Elefante Windows of Heaven Gospel & Religious 0
You Raise Me Up 4:50 Josh Groban Closer Classical 0
Blessings 4:58 Laura Story Blessings Religious 0
Mighty To Save 3:50 Laura Story Great God Who Saves Gospel & Religious 0
Make Something Beautiful 4:03 Laura Story Great God Who Saves Gospel & Religious 0 1
Perfect Peace 3:48 Laura Story Great God Who Saves Gospel & Religious 0 1
Christ Is Risen 4:57 Matt Maher Alive Again Religious 0 2
Blessed Be Your Name 5:49 Matt Redman Blessed Be Your Name: The Songs Of Matt Redman Gospel & Religious 0 1
You Never Let Go 4:56 Matt Redman Everything Glorious Gospel & Religious 0 1
You Alone Can Rescue 5:13 Matt Redman Passion: Awakening Religious 0 1
You Are Everything 3:51 Matthew West Something To Say Gospel & Religious 0
Even So Come [Live] 7:20 Passion Feat. Chris Tomlin Passion: Even So Come [Live] Religious 0 1
At The Cross (Love Ran Red) 7:08 Passion Feat. Chris Tomlin Passion: Take It All [Live] Pop 0
He's Always Been Faithful 3:46 Sara Groves Conversations Gospel & Religious 0
Be Thou My Vision 3:17 Selah Greatest Hymns Religious 0
His Eye Is On The Sparrow 3:43 Selah Greatest Hymns Religious 0
Be Still My Soul / What A Friend We Have In Jesus 3:57 Selah Greatest Hymns Religious 0
Part The Waters / I Need Thee Every Hour 3:12 Selah Greatest Hymns Religious 0 1
God Be With You 3:18 Selah You Deliver Me Religious 0 1
When The Rain Comes 2:55 Third Day Come Together Gospel & Religious 0 1
Thy Will 3:57 Hillary Scott & The Scott Family Love Remains Religious 0 1
Track 03 4:34 0 2
I Will Carry You (Audrey's Song) 4:10 Selah You Deliver Me Religious 0 1
Forever [Live] 6:38 Passion Feat. Melodie Malone Passion: Even So Come [Live] Religious 0 2

A Reading List on Grief, for kids and adults

You know we are into books big-time over here. I use books to teach lots of new ideas to my kids. It is what works for us and helps lead into all kinds of conversations. And of course I am always learning, exposing myself to new ideas, and holding everything I read up to Truth.

Here are some books that have been helpful to me over the past several months:

by Nancy Guthrie:
One Year Book of Hope
Holding on to Hope
Hearing Jesus Speak into Your Sorrow
Nancy and her husband, David, buried two babies who lived for about six months. They know this road that we are walking with our David, and Nancy's words often express exactly what is in my heart and mind. She has written several other books on grief and I'd recommend them all. We had a chance to hear her speak a few weeks ago and I think she is one of the most gifted speakers I've ever heard. Clearly, God gave her this message to share. She reminded us that God always loves us, there is nothing so broken that He cannot redeem it, He is powerful enough to take even horrible things and use them for good, and this life is not all there is. How incredibly grateful we are for those truths.

A Grief Observed, by C.S. Lewis. Lewis's journals after the death of his wife. Powerful to see one of the greatest Christian teachers wrestle with grief.

When God Doesn’t Fix It, by Laura Story. Singer/songwriter/worship leader who is living with brokenness but clinging to our Lord and praising Him through it all. Her song "Blessings" came on my playlist just as I was starting to push with David. You can't write a song like that without living through hard things.

Hope Heals, by Jay and Katherine Wolf. Precious young couple walking with Jesus through Katherine's stroke and recovery. A beautiful love story about holding to the hope that only comes from the Anchor we have for our soul.

Heaven, by Randy Alcorn. I've talked about this book before. A great book for taking away fears and misconceptions about heaven and focusing instead on perfect truth.

by Ann Voskamp:
One Thousand Gifts
The Broken Way
Love, love, love Ann's books. How do you live with your one broken heart? Read and find out.

For the kids, here are some of our favorites. We have read and talked A LOT about heaven and how thankful we are that David is there. We talk about how have an eternal soul, part of us that lives forever. For those who believe in Jesus, eternal life starts now.
Someday Heaven, questions and answers for kids about heaven
God Gave Us Heaven, a sweet storybook about a little cub learning about heaven
Tell Me About Heaven, a book for older children by Randy Alcorn (see above)
Someone I Love Died, a reassuring book about death, funerals, and eternal life that gives kids space to draw and journal, too

These are some storybooks we have enjoyed in which death plays a part. I would read these and God Gave Us Heaven to your kids, one at a time over several months, to introduce the idea of death if it is something your kids have not yet encountered. They are gentle and reassuring.
The Goodbye Boat
Blow Me a Kiss, Miss Lilly
Grandpa's Soup
Badger's Parting Gifts
My Grandson Lew

Don't be afraid: Jesus is coming. And He loves you, in the words of our favorite Jesus Storybook Bible, "with a never stopping, never giving up, un-breaking, always and forever love."

Romans 8:38-39
For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Thank You

The Gent and I wrote lots and lots of heartfelt thank you notes this weekend. We had tried to keep a list of thoughtful gifts and meals and donations and help with our children and so many other things . . . but I know we have forgotten some. If that was you, I'm sorry! We appreciate the love our friends and family have showered over us these past several months. Thank you for all your cards, texts, phone calls, emails, and all the other ways you have helped and encouraged and prayed. We love you and words really can't express our thankfulness for you!

Precious Photos

Here are some precious photos of David that our sweet photographer from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep took for us. I will have many more photos to post as time passes, but I wanted to start with these. Hope you enjoy these pictures of our beloved David.

ReMoved

I have a lot of pictures to sort through and post and I'll get to those soon. Lately I keep thinking of this video, though, and I wanted to share it today. Foster care is messy and broken and there may not be a happily ever after. But the children and families you touch through it are all made in God's image and they are infinitely valuable. Jesus said whatever you do for the least of these, you do for Me. The impact you can have on a child and their hurting family may never be seen in this life, but to paraphrase C.S. Lewis, you've never met just a person, but an eternal soul.

Link to the ReMoved film is here.

To the Beach

While the Gent was off work we spent a few days at the beach. It was a fun and restorative family time. Thankful for a friend providing us with a place to stay!

One Month

Trite but true…it is hard to believe it has been one month since we held our beloved David in our arms. It seems a lifetime ago, and yet just yesterday. Some days it is hard to believe it happened at all. Maybe it was all a bittersweet dream, that little life I carried for 9+ months, the baby boy we loved, knowing we would never get to keep him in this temporal world. But it was real. David is real and precious and held and known and loved--by me, his mama always--and by all our dear family and by our Father now.

My heart aches for heaven. How it will be when I see David again, I don’t know. I wonder sometimes, will I see David the way I see my children now? For example, when I look at Annie I see her as the tiny baby who taught me to be a mother, and the hesitant toddler, and the stubborn preschooler, and the determined little girl she is now. Maybe when I see David again, it will be something like that? I don’t really need to know. The promise that I will see David again is enough. If our Lord has given us such beauties and wonders and pleasures in this earthly life, and they are only poor imitations of the true thing, the real thing, the perfect thing—what wonders must await us in the abundant life of heaven.

Everyone keeps asking us how we are doing. I don’t really know how to answer that. Usually I just say we are okay. And we are. We are alive, we are well-fed, we have many happy moments each day. We have buried our baby, our hearts hurt, our arms are empty. In the last month, we’ve had a plumber out five times to fix a clogged drain (I think we finally found the right fix). He worked on the shower drain while the Gent and I sat in the living room with our pastor and planned David’s funeral. The dryer died and we had to buy a new one. The exterminator has been handling a mouse problem in our kitchen. EEEEEEEWW. We have exciting plans for building our new house. We sleep through the night because there is no newborn to wake us up. That’s how we are. The grief is not debilitating, our children need us, we have work to do. In some ways we have been grieving since almost the beginning of David’s pregnancy. His diagnosis in the early weeks when we were still very worried about a miscarriage tempered our expectations all along. But it still hurts and it is still hard and his loss is very real and it will always be there.

Our children are stairsteps, all about two years apart. Nora is two and a half and there is no baby after her in our family pictures. David will always be the missing stairstep, his presence hovering around the edges of the family pictures. Unknowing strangers say hurtful things, saying my family is full or where’s the next one or some other seemingly innocuous remark. I want to tell them there is another little boy, but he’s not here, I didn’t get the chance to mother him fully. My family is not full and I have more energy to spare and more love to give but he’s not here.

Some days I wish we still wore mourning clothes and I didn’t have to keep biting my tongue or giving explanations that just making everyone sad. I don’t want to have to tell the checkout lady at the grocery store that I’m not pregnant, I’m postpartum but I don’t have a baby to show for it. I don’t want to have to make the dental hygienist feel awkward because she assumed I was expecting when Jacob told her he had a baby brother but there was no baby with us that she could see. Thank goodness I should be cleared to exercise next week and I can get back in shape. I feel pressured to do it quickly, so I can avoid these conversations. But I’ll never forget I had a baby, that I carried him and birthed him and loved him. That he changed my heart as all of my children have done in some way or another.

I was out shopping recently and I found this two-inch square cube. It sits on my desk now. These words are etched on it: “Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good. Psalm 107:1.” And He is. So I give thanks.